Disclaimer: Just so you know, if you order an item through one of our posts, we may get a small share of the sale.

Amazon’s more than just a place to buy a 336-count package of flushable bathroom wipes without embarrassment; it’s a treasure trove of weird off-brand products, horribly designed vanity products, and ridiculously expensive stuff that won’t be coming to the shelves of your local big-box store anytime soon.

When you’re on the fence about any of those items, you can always check the Amazon reviews to get the details. Sometimes those user-submitted comments contain helpful insights that allow you to determine whether a product is worth the money. In other cases, the reviews are, in a word, ridiculous.

We looked through some of Amazon’s dubious products for the most hilarious, sarcastic, and downright cruel user reviews we could find. Before you drop, say, $55,000 on a watch, remember—always check the ratings first.

1. When BIC introduced a pen “for her,” Amazon users pounced.

As every woman knows, it’s incredibly hard to find a writing device that isn’t designed specifically for men. Who among us hasn’t picked up a pen only to discover that it weighs five pounds and is covered with sandpaper and motor oil? It seems like every pen is made for rough, masculine hands.

Fortunately, the geniuses at BIC came up with BIC for Her, a series of dainty pens marketed as “beautifully smooth.” They feature floral designs, pink and purple exteriors, and a “sleek pen silhouette” with a “soft, contoured grip for all-day comfort.”

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Essentially, they’re normal pens, but they’re ostensibly for girls. Amazon reviewers weren’t impressed.

“A warning, though: powerful stuff, these pens,” one reviewer wrote. “I felt more feminine and delicate just opening the package. My brother signed a check with one [of] them—his facial hair fell out and he asked to borrow my lip gloss.”

View the BIC For Her Retractable Ball Pen and read the reviews here.

What to Buy Instead

Surprisingly, non-gendered pens work just as well as their dainty, feminine counterparts.

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With that in mind, we’d pick up an 18-pack of Tanmit gel pens, which feature a retractable tip, long-lasting ink, and a plain black exterior—perfect for drawing unicorns, scoring boxing matches, or doing pretty much anything else that requires adequate penmanship.

Tannmit Gel Pens Retractable Rollerball Pens, $7.99 from Amazon

2. Apparently, you can buy uranium on Amazon.

We always thought that uranium was pretty hard to obtain, but if you’ve got $40, you can get some of the radioactive metal shipped directly to your house. We ordered immediately, with dreams of building a Fallout-style post-apocalyptic nuclear paradise right in our own backyard.

Granted, it’s not refined uranium, so it’s only weakly radioactive. You’d have to do a lot of (illegal) work to turn this into the stuff you’d need to build a fully functional nuclear generator, and even then, you’d probably die of radiation poisoning pretty quickly. Psh. We want our money back. So do some of the reviewers.

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“I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty,” one Amazon user wrote.

Others referenced its strange side effects.

“I left this product next to my pet lizard, unfortunately now he’s 350 ft tall now and is currently destroying Tokyo, Japan,” another user wrote.

View Uranium Ore on Amazon and read the reviews here.

What to Buy Instead

Look, if you’re thinking about purchasing uranium ore, you’ve obviously got an interest in nuclear…stuff. Instead of ending up on a CIA watchlist, we’d recommend picking up this t-shirt.

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It’s made from soft, non-radioactive cotton, and it declares that you’re a “nuclear thingy-doer.” You get all of the prestige of a nuclear scientist without understanding anything about isotopes.

I’m A Nuclear Thingy Doer T-Shirt, $25.97 from Amazon

3. Every nautical explorer should know the basics.

For starters, if your boat is headed toward an enormous ship, you’re doing something wrong. Step away from the helm and consult your copy of How to Avoid Huge Ships, written by the hilariously named Captain John W. Trimmer.

Surprisingly, the book isn’t just the words “turn away from the ship and continue in the opposite direction until you’re a safe distance away.” That apparently infuriated some of the reviewers.

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“Why no Kindle edition?” one reviewer wrote. “Given that there is a huge ship bearing down on me RIGHT NOW I am extremely disappointed that I cannot get inst—”

Another reviewer noted how he “began to experiment with huge ships in my late teens,” detailing how his life spiraled out of control as he became addicted to them. It’s a heck of a read.

View How to Avoid Huge Ships and read the reviews here.

What to Buy Instead

If you’re considering How to Avoid Huge Ships, we’re going to go ahead and assume that you’re looking for an interesting, funny book that’s weird enough to act as a conversation piece. That’s where Crap Taxidermy comes in.

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As the name implies, it’s filled with pictures of terrible attempts at taxidermy. You haven’t lived until you’ve gazed into the lifeless eyes of a horribly stuffed hyena.

Crap Taxidermy, $10.39 from Amazon

4. Here’s how to tell if your obsession with mechanical keyboards has gone too far.

Sure, your current computer keyboard works just fine, but does it make you look like an extra from Wild Wild West?

If not—and if you’ve got a thousand bucks sitting around—you might be interested in the Sojourner, a brass keyboard “hand-crafted from premium materials” with a “Victorian steampunk weathered design.” It’s a gorgeous piece of art, but it’s a bit on the expensive side (especially figuring in the outrageous $15 shipping fee).

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“I know it SEEMS expensive, but it’s got ALL the letters,” one reviewer wrote.

Another user disagreed with that summary.

“This was a grat purchas until I discovrd it is not glutn fr and contains GMOs,” they write. “You would assum at this pric it would not contain glutns. I gav it 1 Star bcaus it is missing the letter ‘ ‘.”

Well, now we don’t know what to believe.

View the Sojourner keyboard on Amazon and read the reviews here.

What to Buy Instead

The Sojourner is ridiculous, but mechanical keyboards are well worth the investment. We’ve got a half-dozen of them at our office, and they provide a better typing experience, provided that your co-workers don’t mind the clicking sounds.

If you’re looking for an inexpensive professional keyboard, the Redragon K552 is an excellent choice. It has decent custom mechanical switches that are roughly equivalent to Cherry MX Blue, an industry standard.

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If you have no idea what that previous sentence means, it basically indicates that the keyboard is fairly quiet, but still provides the tactile feedback that you’d want from a high-quality product. When you’re typing words on this baby, you’re really typing those words.

Redragon LED Backlit Mechanical Keyboard, $29.99 from Amazon

5. In our opinion, bananas are a fairly convenient fruit.

You peel them, eat them, and move on with your day. What could be easier?

Nevertheless, someone came up with the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer, a banana-shaped piece of plastic that lets you “slice your banana with one quick motion,” saving you literally seconds that you’d otherwise spend toiling away with a butter knife.

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The manufacturer also notes that it’s “great for cereal” and that “kids love slicing their own bananas.” Obviously, the marketers were running out of ideas.

This isn’t an especially useful product. Still, it holds a near-perfect rating on Amazon, thanks to glowing reviews like this one:

“Once I figured out I had to peel the banana before using, it works much better,” an Amazon user notes. “Ordering one for my nephew, who’s in the Air Force in California. He’s been using an old slinky to slice his bananas. He should really enjoy this product!”

Of course, some reviewers disliked the banana slicer. Everyone’s a critic.

“I tried the banana slicer and found it unacceptable,” one user noted. “As shown in the picture, the slicer is curved from left to right. All of my bananas are bent the other way.”

View the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer and read the reviews here.

What to Buy Instead

To slice your bananas, we’d recommend a basic butter knife. We’re going to assume that you’ve already got that covered.

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If you’re in the market for a fruit cutter that’s actually useful, this slicer works well for apples and pears. Its patented design helps to keep the apple core clear of the blades, providing a perfect cut every time.

Apple Slicer and Corer, $10.50 from Amazon

6. There’s just one problem with these sugar-free gummi bears.

They’re sweetened with aspartame, and a safety warning notes that “excessive consumption may cause a laxative effect.” That’s a problem, since gummi bears are delicious—and Amazon reviewers seem unable to resist the allure of a truly sugar-free candy.

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“I foolishly ignored the warnings and purchased a 5-pound bag of these potent evil apparitions posing as delectably tasty goodies,” one reviewer says. “The laxative effect of these ‘sugar free gummy candies’ is nuclear. I first noticed rumblings as my intestines began a protest that escalated to world shaking levels.”

There’s more to that review, but be warned: It’s not pretty.

View the Albanese Sugar Free Gummi Bears and read the reviews here.

What to Buy Instead

These gummi bears have the exact same calorie count as the sugar-free bears listed above, but without the same unpleasant gastrointestinal effects.

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Sure, they contain sugar, but that’s better than the alternative.

Haribo Gold-Bears Gummi Candy, $12.15 from Amazon

7. Need to heal your body, mind, and spirit?

Well, this copper pyramid won’t help you. It’s marketed on Amazon by a store called Buddha Maitreya the Christ’s Shambhala Healing Tools, and if that’s not enough of a red flag, look at the price tag; a set of copper rods and connectors will set you back $599.00 (although it does come with free shipping).

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Reviewers were quick to note that it’s basically just a copper tent, sans the fabric.

“This tent was missing its stakes, tarp, and fly cover,” one reviewer complained. “I had to cover it in vines and leaves for my camping trip, and I got soaked overnight when it rained. Coincidentally, my hepatitis is gone now.”

View the Copper Meditation Pyramid System for Healing and read the reviews here.

What to Buy Instead

If you’re in the market for a tent, we’d recommend the Coleman Sundome, a comfortable four-person tent that costs significantly less than the “pyramid system” linked above. It’s easy to set up, it provides decent ventilation, and its Amazon page has hundreds of (unsarcastic) five-star reviews.

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On the other hand, if you’re looking for a way to heal yourself, we’d recommend a visit to your local physician. Chances are, your doctor won’t have you meditate in a copper pyramid, but you’ll find a treatment option that actually works.

Coleman Sundome 4-Person Tent, $53.50 from Amazon

8. We’re sick and tired of being abducted by aliens.

That’s why we were excited to pick up this UFO detector, which is “designed to sense…magnetic and electromagnetic disturbances.” When it detects an unidentified flying object, it flashes a bunch of LEDs, giving you plenty of time to dig out your tinfoil hat before the aliens start corrupting your brain waves.

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Granted, the manufacturer doesn’t explain how this gadget differentiates between a UFO and any other flying object, but it does note that “confirmed UFO sightings have reported simultaneous magnetic and electromagnetic disturbances, like cars sputtering, and magnetic compasses spinning wildly.”

If you’re reading that last sentence multiple times to try to make sense of it, go ahead and give up. It means nothing.

“I don’t know if this is a scam or if mine was broken, but it doesn’t work and I am still getting abducted by UFOs on a regular basis,” one reviewer wrote.

“This little gizmo is a bargain at twice the price and much more accurate than the voices in my head,” another noted.

View the UFO Detector and read the reviews here.

What to Buy Instead

If you’re interested in space, but you’re not really sold on the idea of little green men, Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s Death by Black Hole and Other Cosmic Quandaries is a great read.

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The renowned astrophysicist discusses some of the mysteries of the universe, explaining fairly complex concepts in a simple, intuitive way. This might not save you from a late-night alien abduction, but at least it’ll give you some nice material to read during your probing.

Death by Black Hole: And Other Cosmic Quandaries, $11.81 from Amazon

9. Learning to cook isn’t easy, especially when you don’t have an oven.

Fortunately, if you’ve got a microwave, there’s a cookbook just for you. Sonia Allison’s Microwave for One tells you how to make a variety of gross, rubbery meals, and it’s possibly the saddest thing we’ve ever seen.

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“This book was disappointingly cold at the start and end of the book,” one reviewer writes. “However, the middle was full of scalding hot recipes.”

“If you like to cook raw chicken in your microwave, this is the book for you,” another user writes, giving the book one star. Ouch.

View Microwave for One and read the reviews here.

What to Buy Instead

If you don’t have a traditional oven, you can still make great home-cooked meals. You’ll need something like an Instant Pot, which functions as a slow cooker, pressure cooker, rice cooker, and steamer. Amazon has them, by the way, for about $100.

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Once you’ve got an Instant Pot, check out the Instant Pot Cookbook, a formidable tome that explains how to make a variety of healthy dishes with complete confidence.

The Instant Pot Electric Pressure Cooker Cookbook, $8.99 from Amazon

10. Remember when we mentioned that $50,000 watch? We lied.

It’s actually $55,388.89 (with free Prime shipping, of course).

Granted, it’s a nice-looking watch, but unless you’re browsing Amazon from your yacht, you probably can’t afford it.

As some reviewers explained, it’s actually a bargain.

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“I wasn’t going to buy this watch, then I noticed Amazon had it with $64,375.01 off!” one customer writes. “With the money I saved, I purchased a brand new BMW and still had enough money left over for a Disneyland trip. How many watches save you enough to buy a car and a vacation?”

We’re sold. Of course, we’d actually need to come up with the money. That wasn’t a problem for another reviewer.

“So I’ve convinced my mother, brother, 2 sisters and uncle to sell their kidneys so I could treat myself to this beauty and proudly display it on my wrist as my arm hangs out of my Chevy Cruze window and attracts mucho attention from the ladies at red lights,” he writes.

View the Zenith Defy Classic Sea Tourbillon Watch and read the reviews here.

What to Buy Instead

Literally any other watch. They all tell the time reasonably well—in fact, your phone tells the time with pinpoint accuracy. If you’re not worried about flaunting your wealth, you can pick up any decent Timex watch and still look fairly stylish.

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The Timex Weekender, for instance, is water resistant up to 100 feet, and it pairs a classic face with an attractive minimalist band. Best of all, you won’t need to take out a second mortgage to afford it.

Timex Unisex Weekender, $30.55 from Amazon

11. Oddly enough, the Zenith Defy isn’t the most expensive item on this list.

That honor would go to the Relaxman Relaxation Capsule. Lie down in this “custom-designed” relaxation device, and you’ll be completely isolated from heat, light, and sound. It’s total isolation therapy—and for only $89,995, plus $22.95 shipping, it can be yours.

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Granted, a 90-minute float in an isolation tank costs about $65, so you’d have to use the Relaxman nearly 1,400 times before it provided a return on your investment. But hey, if you really want to relax, it’s going to cost you.

“I really love this product,” one reviewer writes. “It is relaxing, quiet, does everything it is billed to do. It is roomy enough to bring my laptop inside and I especially like the fact that it doesn’t block WiFi signals, because there is no interior handle. Please send someone, quickly.”

View the Relaxman Relaxation Capsule and read its reviews here.

What to Buy Instead

You can meditate on your own, and it won’t cost you anything. If you want to improve your meditation game, you might consider a singing bowl, which can help you find inner peace without spending nearly $100,000.

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Plus, it looks nice in your living room. That’s something we can’t say about the Relaxman.

Tibetan Singing Bowl Set For Mindfulness Meditation & Relaxation, $35.97 from Amazon

12. Don’t worry—you don’t have to spend tens of thousands of dollars to look like an idiot.

Meet the Daddle. It’s a saddle for dads, complete with adjustable stirrups, a soft saddle horn, and a latigo strap. Made from washable sturdy cotton, it’s everything you need to experience absolute humiliation.

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We’re not saying that dads shouldn’t give their kids horsey rides; we’re just saying that you don’t need a dedicated prop for this particular purpose. Reviewers note that it’s “not appropriate for dressage,” which is hilarious if you know much about horseback riding. If you don’t, this review should still suffice.

“One has the feeling that the designers/makers put their heart and soul into the Daddle and created it as a subtle tribute to their wonderful parents and memorable upbringing,” a reviewer writes. “It’s obvious that the creators of this product were once kids whose parents tethered them to leashes at airports and museums and lovingly warmed them in the soft glow of iPad potties.”

View the Daddle and read the reviews here.

What to Buy Instead

Feel free to buy the Daddle as a gag gift. By all accounts, it’s a well-made product.

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If you find it ridiculous, however, you can still encourage your child’s love of the equestrian arts with this inexpensive cowboy hat. It’s much less expensive than the Daddle (and much less humiliating for the, ahem, horse).

Children’s Pink Felt Cowboy Hat, $6.15 from Amazon

13. We can actually see a practical use for a half-keyboard.

If you’re suffering from something like carpal tunnel syndrome but you still need to write so you can do your job, a half keyboard makes sense. It’s also an excellent product for people with disabilities, people who regularly need to hold documents in one hand while typing, and people who can’t compute without keeping one of their hands in a bag of Cheetos.

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Our problem here is the price tag. The Matias Half Keyboard costs $575, so it’s not exactly an impulse buy. Besides, if you wanted, you could simply buy a full-size keyboard and use one half of it, remapping its keys to trigger the other half of the keyboard when necessary. Predictably, Amazon reviewers had some fun.

“Das bard es ver gad!” one user writes. “A’ve traed et far tree weex ad et werx great! A recabed et ta aw Agazad watcxers! Fave stars!”

View the Matias Half Keyboard and read the reviews here.

What to Buy Instead

Like we said, you can use any keyboard to accomplish the same task, so just pick up an inexpensive wireless keyboard, learn how to remap its keys, and you’re good to go.

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A good option is Logitech’s MK270 wireless keyboard and mouse kit, which will set you back about $20. It’s highly reviewed, affordable, and it runs for about 24 months on a couple of cheap batteries.

Logitech Wireless Keyboard and Mouse, $19.35 from Amazon

14. Normal chairs are great and all, but they’re not made entirely from crystal.

Sadly, the Asfour Crystal Tut Ankh Amon chair is no longer available. We’re guessing that’s due to the incredibly high demand.

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Per the product description, it’s made with pure crystal, and “this chair took about 630 hours to be in this very nice shape.” That’s high praise, indeed.

“My entire family can now enjoy a truly genuine, ancient Egyptian-style bathroom,” one reviewer says. “I installed a plumbing system into the chair so that it could be used as a toilet, and it does not disappoint! It’s great walking around the house in a loin cloth and Egyptian pharaoh hat while I have my wife throws rose petals in front of me and my children build pyramids out of Legos.”

View the Asfour Crystal Tut Anhk Amon Chair and read the reviews here.

What to Buy Instead

If you really want to sit on a throne, we’re not going to stop you, but you don’t need to spend thousands of dollars for the privilege. For $20, you can get an Iron Throne decal to decorate your bathroom wall.

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It’s sort of like sitting on the throne from Game of Thrones, except nobody will try to depose you. Hopefully.

Game of Thrones Iron Throne Toilet Decal, $19.98 from Amazon

15. You can buy virtually anything on Amazon—even milk.

Granted, Tuscan Dairy Whole Vitamin D milk is only available from a few sellers, and it’ll set you back about $75 per jug, but you can technically buy it. The reviews, as always, are spectacular.

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“My wife gave birth to our first born in a bathtub filled with Tuscan Whole Milk, she felt no pain at any stage,” one Amazon user writes. “He is now 5 years old and completing his PhD in quantum bio-mechanics.”

Of course, some reviewers had complaints.

“Color choice is limited,” another user writes. “This is a fine milk, but the product line appears to be limited in available colors. I could only find white.”

267 people found that review helpful, by the way. Amazon never disappoints us.

View Tuscan Dairy Whole Vitamin D Milk and read the reviews here.

What to Buy Instead

Dry milk doesn’t taste the same—okay, if we’re being honest, it tastes pretty horrible—but it’s just as useful for cooking, and it’s fairly inexpensive on Amazon.

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Nestle’s NIDO is a fortified dry milk that’ll set you back about $15 per canister. Each canister makes about 53 servings of 8 fluid ounces. Add the powder to water, mix it up, and you’re ready to start cooking.

Nestle NIDO Fortified Dry Milk, $15.38 from Amazon

16. There’s nothing that kids love more than passing through TSA checkpoints.

That’s why we love the Playmobil Security Checkpoint, a playset that lets children relive the exhilaration they felt during their first trip to the airport. Unfortunately, the toy was discontinued by the manufacturer, possibly because it’s a horrible toy, but you can still pick it up on Amazon for about $90.

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All of the reviews are hilarious, but we’re partial to this zinger.

“Get it now as soon it will no longer be available,” one reviewer writes. “TSA has requested that this product be removed from the market. It was deemed a security risk as it is virtually identical to the actual training material used to train TSA agents.”

“My kids and I like the Playmobil Security Checkpoint, but several options are missing and/or needed to be included,” another writes. “The no-privacy full body scanner and the cavity search backroom are not included. You also need to buy at least three sets and leave two of them unmanned and closed for more realism.”

View Playmobil Security Checkpoint and read the reviews here.

What to Buy Instead

This Ghostbusters playset is bigger, less expensive, and much more fun.

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Playmobil

It also combines with other Playmobil sets, so if you really wanted to, you could buy both and watch your kid construct an intricate fantasy in which the Ghostbusters are forced to go through a security checkpoint on their way to a haunting.

Playmobil Ghostbusters Firehouse, $69.90 from Amazon

17. This might be the most famous shirt on Amazon.

It’s a work of pure art featuring three wolves howling at the moon. Wear it, and you’re instantly in touch with your wild side.

“Currently running the countryside with a pack of wolves after having put on this shirt,” writes one reviewer. “Will review later.”

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The other reviews are extremely long diatribes about the shirt’s powers, complete with shots of Dwight Schrute from The Office (he wears it in one episode, apparently). They make a pretty convincing case for the product’s five-star rating. Really, though, if you don’t immediately want this shirt as soon as you see it, we don’t really want to know you.

View the Mountain Three Wolf Moon Tee and read the reviews here.

What to Buy Instead

Actually, you should totally buy this shirt. We’ve literally never seen a better shirt.